Save Your Relationships! How To Talk to Antizionist Loved Ones About Israel - Jonah Platt’s 5 C's

Watch and Listen

One of the first monologues I ever delivered on this show was called

The Four Cs, my methodology for having difficult conversations

with folks with whom you disagree.

And at the time it was primarily motivated by the extreme political divisions we

were feeling here in America in the run up to the 2024 presidential election.

But over the past year, the primary need for this playbook within

the Jewish community has shifted.

The animus towards Jews who love Israel, who know the difference between

a humanist and a jihadist between a war and a genocide between truth and

propaganda is stronger than ever.

So it's not surprising that the question I'm asked with the most urgency these

days is, how do I deal with the people in my life who have decided to make being

anti-Israel a pillar of their personality at the expense of our relationship?

Well have no fear.

Friends, a refreshed version of my method is here, and I'm gonna walk

you through the process step by step through what is now called the

five Cs of difficult conversation.

Now, before you can even begin the conversation, let me be crystal clear

about what my approach is meant to achieve and what your expectation should be.

And this is probably the most important thing I'll say in this entire video.

The point of your conversation is not to change the person's mind.

Let go of that desired outcome right now.

Maybe it'll happen over time, over many conversations, over

private soul searching, or maybe not at all, but it definitely

ain't gonna happen in this convo.

First of all, people don't want to have their minds changed.

Even smart people suffer from a variety of cognitive biases that predispose them

to stick to what they already believe and reject or diminish any facts, no

matter how salient that do not confirm their already predetermined position.

Moreover, if your conversation partner sniffs out an agenda,

their defensive wall will go up.

They don't want to be proven wrong, and in fact in their minds, it is

you who has the explaining to do.

You are the one who is a quote genocide supporter, or quote, loves killing babies

or whatever disgusting anti-Zionist libel they've assigned to you.

Their primary interest is in explaining their own position and

hearing just enough of yours to ensure you pass their morality test.

Fun, isn't it?

Any change they do or do not make will have to be of their

own choosing in their own time.

It's just the way it is.

So why you might be asking should you even bother with this conversation at all?

Because the goal here is the preservation of your relationship to bring an end to

the, does this person really hate Jews?

Question on your side.

And the does this person really like starving children on theirs?

To reestablish your intimate relationship that connects you in the first place,

and to leave on good terms once all that has been accomplished, at the very least

you can agree to disagree on Israel and still be able to function together

socially with less tension and more fun.

That's our goal.

That's the desired outcome.

More preamble, two key ground rules that must be followed before

the conversation can take place.

Number one, you must have this conversation in person.

You can accomplish certain things via text or email or dms, but meaningful

understanding isn't one of them.

You need body language tone, familiarity, eye contact to keep the warmth and

goodwill flowing, and to keep the walls down, both theirs and yours.

And you need time.

I'm talking three to four hours of uninterrupted hang time, so

you can give yourselves the room and freedom to really go deep.

Unrushed.

Number two, make sure this relationship is actually worth the effort to preserve it.

Here's my simple test.

If the only reason you'd be getting together today with this person

is to disagree with them about Israel, that's a good indicator.

They're probably not worth the investment of time and energy.

Okay, now that we've laid our foundation and expectations,

it's time for the five Cs.

First up is the Nu Sea Cabernet Sauvignon or Chardonnay Shein Blanc Claret.

You get the idea.

When I say this to a live audience, it usually gets a

laugh, but I'm dead serious.

Having a discussion over a drink is not about getting tipsy.

It's about setting a tone.

You're here to enjoy a conversation together, not assume a battle stance

behind a podium for ferocious debate.

Having a drink is what we do among friends.

It's disarming.

It cuts the tension immediately and it tells your partner, this is a safe

space to continue being whatever it is you have been to each other until now.

Also, everything's better with wine.

Come on.

The next C is four Comradery.

Be cheeky.

Go on tangents, make jokes, take breaks.

You are here as friends, as loved ones, having a robust but friendly conversation.

Same as if you were talking about your careers or global

warming or the war in Ukraine.

If they say something you find ridiculous, giggle instead of getting mad, or as I

like to say, be tickled not prickled.

You and this person are not going to solve the Middle East crisis

over dinner, so don't act like that's what you're there to do.

What you are there to do brings me to my next C curiosity.

You must actually be interested in gaining understanding of where your

partner is coming from, and if you don't have it, fake it till you make it.

Really listen and absorb.

Don't just wait for your turn to speak, ask follow up questions.

Obviously they've been gulping down propaganda, but at least you'll

come away with more of a why.

Maybe they felt lied to in day school, or their only Jewish friends are

also anti-Israel, or they're a social justice warrior who goes with the rest

of the pack, et cetera, et cetera.

Understanding where they're coming from reminds you of their humanity,

however flawed, which can take some of the sting outta the bad feelings.

You'll likely discover they're not jihadists, just well-meaning people

who have been sadly misguided or intellectually lazy, or harbor

unexamined biases against Jews.

It's not great, but it's palatable and it's definitely better than not

knowing where they're coming from and better is what we're going for.

The next C is for calm.

If you show up for this conversation fired up and ready to unleash, it's gonna fail.

This has to be dispassionate and tension free.

And I'm not telling you, you shouldn't have deep feelings about

what you're divulging or discussing.

Of course you should, and you will, but you need to keep your

impulsive emotions in check.

You can't get mad, you can't shut down.

You can't raise your voice, or the walls will go up and the progress will stop.

And last, but certainly not least, C number five, compassion.

Remember that you love this person.

Remember that they are lost and don't know it.

Remember that their own lived experience has brought them to this point.

And even if you think they're wrong in their conclusions,

their experience is not invalid.

Remember, they have been captured by a well-funded, highly strategic ideological

cult of hate decades in the making.

Remember that you can probably make every argument for them and they probably can't

make a single one of yours, and you're gonna have to be okay with that because

again, the goal is the relationship.

Also give them the opportunity to have compassion for you, lead

with your vulnerability as the other side of this relationship.

It's not you have to believe X, Y, Z, or you're an idiot.

It's as my friend, when you didn't reach out to me after the worst massacre of my

people in generations, I felt abandoned.

I needed you and you were not there for me.

Keep the focus on the relationship and the love between you.

If you can preserve that, everything else is on the table.

I also find it helpful to remind myself that whether or not this

person supports Israel will not change anything materially for the world.

What Israel does or does not do will not be affected by your cousin's beliefs, so

we have to take those stakes out of it.

What is at stake is being able to live and love together and don't

be afraid to say that out loud.

Make the implicit explicit.

Let them know.

Cherishing your relationship is the entire reason your sitting down together at all.

God willing they get that and you can get on the same page about

what's needed to keep your connection alive despite your disagreements.

Maybe they don't get it and you can still love them, but maybe they drop

down a peg in the inner circles of your heart, and that's okay too.

It's sad, but it's okay, and you'll be okay even if it hurts.

If you do decide to try my five Cs out, please let me know.

Head to being Jewish podcast.com/contact.

Scroll down and leave me a voice message.

I wanna know what worked for you, what didn't, and how things stand for you now.

So good luck and remember as the great one Wayne Gretzky once

said, you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take.

Communication might not solve everything, but not communicating

definitely solves nothing.

This is the 50th episode of being Jewish with me.

Jonah Platt.